


once

by monffee



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 03:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monffee/pseuds/monffee
Summary: ”if i were to die, will you regret having never honest to me? that you didn’t get to tell me how you feel about me?”





	1. once

**Author's Note:**

> an old story, angst / written on january 16th, 2011

”do you love me?”

 

a black-haired man looked a bit startled of being questioned like that. taking a single gulp of mineral water which he holds in his hand, he gazed his eyes to the one who asked before putting the glass back on his bedside table.

 

”no.” clear and loud his voice echoed on yamada’s eardrums it seems. giving a sad smile for that unwanted answer, the shorter one takes a few steps closer towards him.

 

”why?” he asked, his voice was nothing but a whisper. they could even felt the sudden tension between them. nakajima leaned backward to the headboard of his bed and gave him a bitter smile.

 

”i just don’t love you, yama. i’m sorry.” he murmured a reply. yamada could only shake his head in disbelieve as if what had just come out of nakajima's mouth was a ridiculous thing.

 

”look, could you at least try it? i mean, tried to open up your mind and listen to your heart? stop being such a pessimist for god’s sake!” nakajima closed his eyes tightly. to be honest, he wasn’t expecting this conversation at all. and hasn’t even ready yet.

 

well, it does look pretty clear from how yamada looked at him. the way he talked to him, the way he stared at him, the way he smiled shyly at his jokes, and sometimes even blushed. all of them were obvious enough to make him realized that this beautiful human being in front of him was putting his heart at risk for him, simply made him wondered why yamada liked him this way. but he’s not going to get the proper answerーthe concreate oneーif he bothered to ask, though. basically, it’s always like that, no?

 

love is something that no one asked it to come for, like an uninvited guest that knocked on the door of your heart, blew the breeze into your mind. monopolized your brain systems, and deceived your eyes with the illusion of someone you started to adore.

 

nakajima shifted a little on his bed. a few minutes ago they were still happily chit-chatting about some movies and rock music before yamada asked him about this out of nowhere. he asked him about his feelings. and now nakajima didn’t know what to said nor to do, completely clueless.

 

”i’ll only make you cry, yama and i hate that. please, understand! i can’t love you.” what was that? a lie? the younger himself didn’t even sure about what he had just said. ’i can’t love you.’

 

yamada smiled softly although his eyes looked otherwise. sadness carved in his brown orbs, why couldn’t he see it? why can’t he just give him a proper yes? most importantly, why couldn’t nakajima just admit it already?

 

”you’re a coward, nakajima.” he said. the addressed man only bit his lips and sighed as he moved his gaze upwards, at the spotless white ceiling.

 

”am i?” yamada nodded at that and took a seat in the single chair beside nakajima’s bed, reaching out his hand to find nakajima’s palm and caressed it softly. nakajima replied his touch with a slight squeeze before take a full grip of it.

 

he was beyond happy to have such a nice, lovely and cheerful friend like yamada. an adorable little angel he dared to say. he filled this dull pale white cube with laughter, jokes, and hope. a hope which also foundered when the angel stepped out of this room to return to his home. yamada was such a beautiful miracle that ever happened in his life. and nakajima felt somewhat afraid to touch it, because he knew he’d break it in the end, destroyed the natural beauty that radiates throughout yamada’s soul and he wants nothing of it.

 

”death is a mystery, you know? we never know when and how death would come. i’d die someday, too. you're not the only one.”

 

”mine is closer, so much closer. can’t you see me?”

 

’no, nothing’s wrong with you,’ yamada wanted to just spell that words through his mouth so bad.

 

there’s nothing wrong with nakajima, indeed. it just how pale his skin, how skinny and fragile his usually muscular body was. not to mention an IV that sweetly pinned on his left arm. he was ill, and yamada hates that fact. but what could he do? he doesn’t even know, but pray to whatever god up there who want to hear his plea.

 

yamada pulled his hand rather harshly from nakajima’s warm grip and stood up from his seat. taking a few steps toward the window, his eyes gazing longingly over the nature outsideーlooking at the scene of the sunset that reassured his heart. children are playing at the park not too far away from the hospital. and mother’s smiling brightly watching their child happy and healthy from the bench.

 

”you didn’t really hear what i said, you stupid! it seems that your illness has finally eaten your brain up.” nakajima could only snort amusedly at his friend's sarcasm. ”well, just blame it on my cancer then.” he said playfully, while yamada froze on his spot. that’s it. his heart aches as nakajima said that freely. how could him? how could he make a joke out of this?

 

”wasn’t it horrible?” he asked to no one in particular. how he'd love to burst into tears right here, right now. nakajima bowed his head now, looking into his thighs.

 

”wouldn't it be terrible if you didn’t get to say your feelings to someone you love? because it’s too late, and yet you have so many chances before?” he added, a bitter smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he turned his gaze towards him. silence.

 

”how if it turns out when i go home from here, i get into an accident or something then di-”

 

”don’t you dare to say that!” nakajima snapped, he glared at the beauty in front of him. worried is written all over his face, and yamada just gave him a weak smile.

 

”if i were to die, will you regret having never honest with me? that you didn’t get to tell me how you feel about me?”

 

’stop it! please, just stop it already!’ thinking about going to lose yamada was enough to scare the hell out of him. the fear of the lack of memories together. the fear of the thought that he could no longer look deep into that sinfully beautiful orbs, heavenly sweet smile, and that breathtakingly beautiful face in front of him. and most importantly, the fear of regret. the regret for not being honest about what he truly felt for this adorable guy in front of him.

 

god, how he loved this guy so much. loved him so freaking much he’d asked him to just die together with him if he could. leaving this mortal world together. hugged him close, tightly, and never ever let him go.

 

_‘i love you, i love you, i just love you so much it hurts.’_

 

“i… i love you, yama! i fucking love you at the first time you stepped in here. the very first time you smiled at me and told me your name. i love you, i always have. i- fuck! i love you so much, damn it! you have no idea. you have no fucking idea.” nakajima let out his inner voice desperately and shaking his head as he brushed his hair out of frustration.

 

how presumptuous of him, to says he loved him at a time like this. it’s hurt, it’s just hurt so much as hell to said that to him when he when the both of them know very well that death is coming near him in every single second. and trust him, the last thing he wanted to do is to break yamada’s apart, making him cry simply because he had to go and yamada had to let him go. why now? god, why?

 

on the other side, happiness spreads throughout yamada's lithe body after his brain digested to what nakajima had just said. his chest felt too tight, he wanted to laugh and cry at the bitter-sweet confession. he slowly claimed a sit beside him on his hospital bed, smiling widely. thus he held nakajima’s hand that covered his handsome face, placed it on his lap. nakajima looked up only to met with a smile full of sincerity giving his heart a familiarly warm feeling, a pair of eyes filled with nothing but happiness. it was erasing all the pain, uncertainty, and fear that exists.

 

”i love you too, yutti. god, i love you so much! and until that day comes, the day when you're not able to anymore. i promised you, i won’t cry. i’d be strong, i promise. for the sake of you. for us.” he said, poised but also sad.

 

nakajima couldn’t help but chuckled bitterly as an uninvited single tear dropped from his left eye. at the very first time in his life, he feels blessed again, to be loved this much by this incredible little angel. his now lover, his yamada, his source of strength.

 

”thank you for everything, yama. i'll survive for you, i promise,” he said, brought their hands that interlocked one another to his lips, kissing the back of yamada’s hands. he let go one of his hands and reaching out his palm to caressed yamada’s cheek before leaning forward to kiss his forehead oh, so lovingly.

 

yamada leaned to his touch, enjoying this wonderful feeling of having nakajima fully by his side, openly admitted that he loved him, too. nakajima then pulling back and looking deep into that brown iris, gave him a warm smile before angled his head forward and a bit to the side, let his breath brushing against his soft lips as he closes all distance between their lips to catch yamada’s soft pair slowly. he smiled as nakajima’s dry lips meet his. yamada happily kissed him back with all that he's got.

 

unbelievable yet wonderful, that’s what they felt with their sweet very first kiss. yamada gasped a bit when he felt a curious tongue drew his bottom lip gently. and without any hesitations yamada parted his lips, ready for welcoming a slick muscle of his lover slipped in it and explore his mouth with such tenderness.

 

yamada’s hand gripped a hold on that board-thin shoulder while nakajima’s right arm curling gently around his slim waist. the warm and fuzzy feeling inside yamada’s body made him let a gently suppressed moan out of his chest.

 

they finally parted as the breath was getting stuck in their throat, the smaller one was panting, softly re-opening his sparkling eyes before hugging this wonderful, though man tightly for dear life with a cheerful laugh escaped his lips. he snuggled more as an instinct when nakajima’s other arm wrapped around his waist and tugged him closer if it even possible. nakajima buried his face in the crook of his neck and nuzzled it lightly, inhaling sweet smells of roses, then gave it light kisses.

 

”i love you, yama. for now, and maybe forever.” he got nothing but a tighter grip around his neck and repeated nods as an answer.

 

yamada bit his lower lip, fighting back the tears that threaten to come out badly. the tears of happiness and sadness that mixed cruelly with the fear of their fate that sooner or later would take nakajima away from him to wherever it places that he knew he doesn’t belong.

 

”i love you too, yutti. i love you, so much. for every minute, every second.” came out that shaky melodious voice, simply made nakajima kissed the top of his head as he muttered something that he could no longer catch. yamada closed his eyes so tight to endure the unbearable pain inside his heart.

 

_’now, tomorrow and the day after, forever, until death does us apart, it'll always be there. giving you my all, share you my happiness, and let you feel my undying love. only for you. only for you.’_

 

 

yamada takes a deep breath. his eyes finally opened and meet the warm luster in a flash. today, the sunset is as warm as his loving gaze. he smiles to the shadow of beautiful dark orbs that always look at him with affections and admiration. his hands caress a coryanthes that he bought after work gently.

 

“hey! it’s been a while now. how have you been?” he asks.

 

his breath catches him off guard and he feels the hole in his heart’s becoming bigger and deeper and he doesn’t know how to take care of it anymore. let alone cure it. he can almost see himself falling into the abyss of the emptiness of his soul. his head’s spinning around showing him some footage of the classic story of the past. the leaves whispering a death song faintly, and it was so sad and beautiful he could die. yamada crouches and sets the flowers above the grave gently. his fingers tremble, caressing the name oh, so softly as if afraid he would wake him up if he touches it too rough. but it won’t happen.

 

nakajima will never wake up.

 

and yamada finally lets himself cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m the most horrible human being on earth, i know ;_; and i kind of made a little fanmix for this story, you can go to the next chapter to listen to them (shy laughs)


	2. a gift

**a gift**

**_once_** ; a yutoyama fanmix (instrumental)

 

 

 

**01 we carry on by yonder dale**

_”wouldn't it be terrible if you didn’t get to say your feelings to someone you love? because it’s too late, and yet you have so many chances before?” he added, a bitter smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he turned his gaze towards him. silence._

 

**02 tears rain down from the sky by mattia cupelli**

“i… i love you, yama! i fucking love you at the first time you stepped in here. the very first time you smiled at me and told me your name. i love you, i always have. i- fuck! i love you so much, damn it! you have no idea. you have no fucking idea.” nakajima let out his inner voice desperately and shaking his head as he brushed his hair out of frustration.

 

**03 you are loved by johannes bornlöf**

_”i love you too, yutti. i love you, so much. for every minute, every second.” came out that shaky melodious voice; simply made nakajima kissed the top of his head as he muttered something that he could no longer catch. yamada closes his eyes so tight to endure the unbearable pain inside his heart._

 

**04 together we will live forever by clint mansell**

_his breath caught him off guard and he feels the hole in his heart’s becoming bigger and deeper and he doesn’t know how to take care of it anymore. let alone cure it. he could almost see himself falling into the abyss of the emptiness of his soul._

 

 

\- grab it **[here](https://app.box.com/s/zp6wnu7jcyxxohobiao8d7ih506o1pxj)**


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